April 30th, 2006<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The sun rose early today. Micky\u2019s alarm clock had adjusted itself for daylight savings time during the night and dutifully woke Micky one hour earlier than it had the day before. Micky\u2019s thin arms reached out from under the blankets in a blind attempt to turn off the blaring noise but the clock maneuvered its way out of reach so as to prevent Micky from going back to sleep. Eventually Micky rose from the bed, located the clock and switched it off. He then headed towards the bathroom walking the majestic, drunken walk of men who have had too little sleep. So began his day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He met up with Ernie as usual at the Broadway Diner. Ernie was on-time. Micky was late.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMornin\u2019 Ernie.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMornin\u2019 Micky. You look like you lost an hours sleep.\u201d Ernie laughed heartily.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou made that joke last year. You really need new material.\u201d Actually Ernie hadn\u2019t made that joke for two years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou know today is our twelfth anniversary – we met at this diner 12 years today.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cLong time\u201d said Micky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYup.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Micky waved to the waitress who returned shortly with a pint sized glass of orange juice. Everyone else got small 8 oz glass but Micky was special. He was a good tipper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI was talking to my dad yesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThe egg farmer? I thought he was in jail.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHe was – but he might get parole this time. He\u2019s been in jail now for almost 7 years. They say he\u2019s reformed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ernie and Micky\u2019s friendships went through a hard time 7 years ago when it was learned that Ernie\u2019s father had been involved in an illegal egg collection ring. \u201cI doubt that, he was pretty adamant that he had a right to eating those eggs in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell his psychiatrist gave him special permission to eat soy eggs and dad swears he can\u2019t tell the difference.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cA convict is allowed to eat eggs?\u201d Even eating fake eggs was illegal in Britain. The belief that pushed the law through parliament was that if people were allowed to eat the fake kind, people would be constantly reminded of the real kind that they couldn\u2019t have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSpecial ruling – Judge Blair himself signed for it. The jails are filling up and there\u2019s pressure to get rid of the reformed ones, like dad.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGlad to hear it. Where will he go? He doesn\u2019t still have his farm does he?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo, it was confiscated and given to a soy bean producer who had just graduated from UR.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The University of Rochester was one of the most respected agricultural schools in all of Europe. It was also the first major anti-meat demonstrations back in the early century after a combination of Mad-cow disease and Avian flu had contaminated the school cafeteria food. A third of the students had gotten sick during those horrific times with 17% of those who were infected dying before proper treatment could be administered. Micky had gone to UR but had failed to maintain his average and was asked to leave weeks before the contamination. In shame he had transferred to Oxford. His parents had still not forgiven him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The waitress arrived with porridge slightly sprinkled in brown sugar. Both men lowered their heads to their bowls and wolfed down their food. Once upon a time the oatmeal had had additives to increase the protein content. But an investigative reporter had determined the protein had come from eggs and milk secretly imported from Canada and the supplements had stopped. As a result, the population had slowly lost muscle mass and the government was now attempting to encourage high protein beans and lentils to solve the minor crisis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSo where\u2019s he going to live. Surely not your flat? It\u2019s so small?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m sleeping on the couch. Then I guess I\u2019ll have to think of something. Maybe he\u2019ll get a job.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMaybe.\u201d Micky paused. \u201cJust don\u2019t let him have any pet chickens.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHa\u2026 ha\u2026 ha\u201d Ernie said in a paused monosylable voice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell I gotta go. I\u2019ll see you tomorrow and you can tell me how\u2019d the parole hearing went.\u201d Ernie grunted in reply and waved to the waitress to indicate they were done. Both men left exact change on the table and headed out. Ernie to the east to his private criminal law practice. Micky headed north to his position in the Ministry of Foodstuffs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Twelve days later Micky arrived on time at the diner and it was Ernie who was late. Eventually he arrived with an old, frail man clearly suffering from Osterporis. Micky quickly grabbed an extra chair and signalled to the waitress to indicate one more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGood day sir.\u201d Micky said kindly as the old man collapsed into the chair. Ernie\u2019s dad grumbled something unintelligible. Micky looked at Ernie. Ernie shrugged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The waitress brought over cutlery and set it down in front of the old man. \u201cCoffee sir?\u201d she asked which he nodded assent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDo you have eggs?\u201d he asked. Immediately the diner went silent. Everyone stared. Eggs had not been served anywhere in England legally for almost 17 years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHe means soy eggs, or those powdered eggs maybe?\u201d Ernie corrected, his face feeling hot. His flushed face was matched only by the waitress\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo I certainly do not, nor have we ever served eggs of any kind!\u201d she sputtered. \u201cThis is a respectable diner and if you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThen just oatmeal dear,\u201d interrupted Micky smoothly. \u201cJust bring us all a bowl of oatmeal and ignore the old gent – he\u2019s been away for a while and he\u2019s forgotten some of our new customs.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
With a glare to the old man the waitress turned quickly to return to the kitchen. Ernie mopped his forehead. Micky drank his juice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou know it wasn\u2019t that long ago that I could get a couple of fried eggs with bacon in a diner like this. Sometimes sausage, ham or even a steak to go along with the eggs. That was some good eatin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cQuiet dad. We\u2019ve already made a big enough scene today.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m just sayin\u2019. It\u2019d make us heavy sure – but we were strong. I used to have muscles like this..\u201d he made a circle with his gnarled hands, \u201cnot like the pathetic guns you guys got. Your bicep isn\u2019t any bigger than your wrist for cripes sakes!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThere were studies sir,\u201d Micky said carefully, \u201cthat indicated larger muscle mass didn\u2019t indicate better health. Larger muscles actually decreased longevity. People who ate meat, eggs and drank milk only lived to 76 years on average while those who were vegetarians and vegans lived well into their 90\u2019s\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBollux\u201d spat the old man. \u201cI\u2019m 82 and I ate meat every day for the first 65 years of my life.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBut now you\u2019re 82 and you\u2019ve hardly had any meat or eggs. Looks like the new diet is doing wonders for your health.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAh piss\u201d and this time he actually spat on the floor. \u201cIf it weren\u2019t for some fascist animal-rights activists who contaminated some meat at that cafeteria we\u2019d all be suckin\u2019 back bacon right now!\u201d After the mass infections on the university campus there had been an inquest to determine if terrorists of any kind had had any hand in the catastrophe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat terrorist inquest determined there was no evidence of any wrong-doing – by any terrorists, activists or anything else for that matter. It was just bad luck.\u201d Micky said soothingly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBad bullshit more like.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The waitress brought the porridge. The two younger men bowed their heads and immediately shoveled the gruel into their mouths. \u201cAh bollux! I had to eat this crap in prison.\u201d The old man lifted his spoon letting the watery oatmeal slowly dribble off. \u201cAt least their I got eggs once in a while. You know I got a court order?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYes sir, your son told me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cJudge ordered it and everything. Helped my reintegration into society it did.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSure dad. Maybe we can find some.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI already know a guy. But because of my parole I can\u2019t really talk to him. One of you guys will have to go see him.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ernie and Micky shared a glance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll talk about it later okay.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cErnie tells me you get out early today being a holiday and all\u201d the old man said to Micky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cUh yeah – its only a half day today. I was thinking of heading downtown to do some shopping.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell could you talk to this guy – he lives right in London. You could go see him and pick up some breaky for tomorrow. None of this porridge crap – I\u2019ll make you both some real food.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Micky tried to find a way out of this awkward position. Ernie just looked down at his half-eaten porridge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell I don\u2019t even know how I\u2019d contact someone like that. I mean it\u2019d be blackmarket and there\u2019s\u2026 um laws against meeting those types of people.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh I\u2019ve got an address you can bang on the door of. Just show up with cash and he\u2019ll give you the eggs and bacon.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou mean fake meat and eggs? You can still get that right here in London?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell it\u2019s not exactly fake you see\u201d winked the old man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cUh dad Micky\u2019s a busy guy and\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh it\u2019s right on the way isn\u2019t it Micky. Besides, it\u2019s just once and it\u2019ll be like a present for getting out of jail.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDad!\u201d hissed Ernie. \u201cYou went to jail because of eating stuff like that!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell it\u2019s only one time. I\u2019d do it myself if police weren\u2019t tailing me for my first week out – standard practice eh you see?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMaybe I can arrange for them to drop something off maybe\u2026\u201d responded Micky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cUh yeah – that\u2019d work too. Just have them drop it off tonight when nobody\u2019s out and then you two can wake up to the beautiful smell of eggs and bacon \u2018morrow morning. That\u2019s perfect.\u201d In happiness the old man lapped up the rest of his breaky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Micky left his oatmeal half eaten and went to work.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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